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13 July 2012 @ 07:21 pm
I think part of the reason that summer is my least favourite season is down to how much I dislike the summer holidays. Without homework to worry about, or a job to keep me busy (I've been searching for hours every day to no avail), I get so restless and bored hanging around the house, which makes me moody and thus anti-social, meaning even the idea of going out to see friends is unappealing. A lot of it comes down to the fact that there are so many places I'd rather be than here. I have friends in the area, but they're not my closest, and I don't feel as part of the group as I do among other friendship groups I have. Plus, all friends aside, where I live is so boring. This feeling is especially pronounced after coming home from a year in Boston, which was my first experience living in a big city: I've realised now that I love living somewhere where there are always events going on, I can walk down streets lined with skyscrapers, and I can go anywhere I want via readily available public transport. My life has become a lot more dull now, and in turn, so have I. I feel grey. The idea of being stuck here for another two and a half months, mooching around not getting up to much, fills me with dread. It just feels like I'm wasting valuable parts of my life, but I'm not sure how to turn that around.

Any negative feelings I've been harbouring have been magnified by the fact that the person I seriously liked for a long time has just started a new relationship. I wasn't exactly surprised, as it's been on the horizon a while now, but ever since it was announced I've had residual feelings of bitterness which won't stop nagging at me. It's not that I wish it were me, since I recently came to the conclusion that I don't like him that much, after all (I've seen the well-needed light!), but really it's just a matter of my bruised ego. We used to be very good friends, and I had hoped that something would happen after we started spending a lot of time together, but it never did. What I would love to ask him is ... why? Perhaps it was because I went away for the year, and as I already learned in the university holidays, this person lives his life by the motto "out of sight, out of mind". But I can't really bring myself to believe that, and now I'm stuck with the feeling of embarrassment that I could have held such strong feelings for someone who wouldn't even bother to consider me in return. 
02 July 2011 @ 02:48 am
Considering it's the summer holidays and it's meant to be a time to relax, I feel incredibly stressed.

However, there is one good thing I've found about having a million different problems going on at once, and it's that as long as you try not to think about them all at once, you always have something else to worry about-- you know, to shake things up a bit. Fed up of getting anxious about the logistics of your year abroad? No worries Jenny, let's try lamenting over your unrequited crush for a spell. Complicated social situations getting you down? Turn your mind to your frustrating home situation instead. And so it goes on.

Despite this though, I'm trying not to complain too much (apart from here, but I count this as talking to myself, which is just how I like it). I mean I'm going on the holiday of a lifetime soon, and some things have hopefully gone better than expected, as long as they all come through. I suppose whiny old me just can never be satisfied.

I don't know, something just feels ... wrong. I've had this unsettled mood hanging over me for a while, and I wish I could just take a break from everything for a few days - no paperwork, no communication with anyone, just me. Actually, maybe not me either. I'm fed up of me.
Current Mood: weirdweird
12 June 2011 @ 12:24 am
You step in the door, and everything is empty. Too empty. There are just pale marks where furniture used to stand, and the air feels cold, even once the door is shut and the winter draught is locked out. What were you expecting? Even when this house was inhabited, it had never been a welcoming place, and was neither cosy nor homely. But now, this is something else; the rooms reek of desolation. Slowly, you walk through open doorways, each room as bare as the first. Eventually, you reach your own room—or what once was your room. Nothing remains but the dust on the windowsill, which you had never been bothered to clean.

Where has everything gone? They must have taken it all away when they stripped the rest of the house. It’s funny, but this loss of all your worldly possessions does not hurt you as much as you thought it would; it’s almost liberating, being left with nothing. It suggests the possibility of starting again. Starting again. The joy you feel is almost immediately replaced by sorrow. You have done this before, and what evidence is there to suggest that this time might be any better? You get the feeling you will end up in this same position again, with everything taken from you, and no one left. Again, the people will not bid you goodbye as they leave, there will be no warning before your world falls beneath your feet. Perhaps it would be better to accept this nothingness, embrace it: that way, there is nothing to lose.

No! Your certainty is wavering; you are struck by tempting desire of company, the thing which has always brought you back, forcing you to offer yourself to civilisation once again. No one can live without others, can they? Can they? Sometimes it feels like you could. You are not good enough for others, yet at the same time, they are not good enough for you. Everyone has too many flaws, you cannot bear the sight of anyone for too long. But out of all the people that exist, you are the one with the most flaws. You’re a hypocrite.

You will stay here in this empty house for a little longer. You are most definitely not ready to emerge yet. The carpet is against your cheek now, and you are lying in the centre of this abandoned room, staring at the chipped paint. Blue. Perfect. If anyone else feels like you do now, they hide it very well, you think to yourself; you feel like you are falling apart, but worse than that, it is glaringly obvious to everyone you meet. That one, she’s unhinged. No one could be ignorant to how you are not quite there, locked in a constant torment with your own mind. But then, people are ignorant. You yourself must miss all manner of things about the people you spend your days with, wrapped up as you are with your own problems. You are struck by a sudden feeling of disgust as you realise you are the most self-centred person you know.

People ask you what’s wrong; often, in fact. And you tell them, as much as you can—articulating the tempest that whirls around your head is more difficult than you would imagine. How often do people tell you their problems? They know you can’t handle it, or think you don’t care. Maybe you don’t, self-absorbed as you are.

What is wrong? That is the most difficult question of all. Despite the empty house, you are incredibly lucky. Though bad things happen to you, good things do too. You live a lot easier than most. But there is a cloud. A black, menacing cloud which follows you around relentlessly, and despite your best efforts, is always manages to wrap its icy fingers around you and begin to suffocate you, until you can feel nothing but the darkness that consumes you. This cloud is where the difficulty lies. There are sunny days; there are even seasons of summer, where the cloud seems all but disappeared. But it is always there, and however many times you tell yourself you’re well shot of it, it comes sneaking back, as dangerous as ever. One day, you fear it may kill you.
26 April 2011 @ 05:56 pm
 I've wanted to let stuff off my chest for a while but I really feel uncomfortable talking to people about it since they can't empathize, plus it makes other people feel incredibly awkward, so I thought I'd write here instead.

Lately, I find myself missing my dad all the time - much more than I have in a long time, probably not since when it was something I was still getting used to. I'm not sure why it's happening now. It's a horrible feeling, like some pain under my skin that I can't reach, because there's absolutely nothing I can do about it: however much I wish, he's not coming back. It just feels like there's some massive wrenching hole missing from my life, and I wish that I had some sort of a father figure, anything to fill that gap. My mum is absolutely brilliant, don't get me wrong, and I couldn't ask for a better parent, but nothing could ever make up for him, you know? I find myself getting jealous at the very mention of someone's dad, or teary at the thought of weddings, because I have no one to give me away. We were so similar as people, and already when I was fourteen we were able to bond about things that my sister and mum couldn't, and it feels desperately unfair that he's been taken away before I could turn into an adult, and be able to talk to him properly, as he probably looking forward to. I wish I could know what he'd think of me now, that I could tell him about what I've done - it's so lame, I always imagine conversations we'd have, or I'll be walking down a road and imagine he's next to me and we're having a chat or something. I'm used to thinking if I try hard enough I can fix anything and get whatever I want, but for this it just doesn't work, and that's the scariest thing - thinking this feeling will never, ever go away.
Current Mood: listlesslistless
07 August 2010 @ 12:13 am
just boring exam stuffCollapse )
19 June 2010 @ 01:16 pm
 summer is so close, i can almost taste it!

i have one exam left: two more hours in the exam room labouring over latin, and life is mine for the taking. that time cannot come soon enough. these weeks leading up to summer is when i start thinking of a million things i want to do with my time, but say i can only start them once i'm free, so now i am DYING to do so many things that even trying to start memorising my tacitus is difficult. 

all in all though, the exams really haven't been that bad. they're never as bad as i expect them to be, but then i work myself up to a point that the day before my first exam i would rather face a zombie apocalypse rather than a test, so it's hardly surprising. of course, i don't get the results till late august, so i might find that actually, i failed them all, but fingers crossed, right? the only serious risk is getting a grouchy examiner for my maths paper who wont appreciate the flowers and clouds i drew for them, and feels that it was unnecessary for me to tell them that "i only have four minutes left (to save the world)".

the only thing that's tainting everything a little bit is the idea of working all summer - i don't know when i'm working next week yet, but since i told the girls i'd go out for drinks on friday night, and it's speech day at school on saturday, i have a feeling i'm going to have to ask if i can swap my shifts as soon as i've returned from having over a week off. perhaps i would feel better if they had actually PAID me yet - because yeah, i've been working there over a month now, and have not been paid a penny, despite my numerous enquiries and the fact the girl who was hired at the same time as me has now been paid four times. well done, managers. you suck.

okay but despite that mini rant, i am actually quite cheerful at the moment! :) but not as cheerful as i will be in three days, when i will be A FREE BITCH, BABY!  
Current Mood: contentcontent
10 May 2010 @ 10:13 pm
i want to be arty.
i want to have nice hair.
i want to be charismatic.
i want to lose weight.
i want to be liked.
i want to have talent.
i want to be remembered.
i want to be popular.
i want to be motivated.
i want to be nice.
i want to travel more.
i want to be happy.

but i want doesn't get.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
25 January 2010 @ 10:50 pm
 I am so fed up with everything at the moment.

It's school that's doing it, really. People are still doing modules so being are taking that as an excuse not to turn up, yet because I'm actually a good student, I'm still going in, and getting given piles of work, which just isn't interesting me at the moment. I'm tired. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I realise now how much I was convinced I would get into Cambridge, considering how lost and un-anchored I feel now, not knowing where I'm-- OMFG, SHUT UP MUM. I'll get to her in a minute. Yeah, so now I don't know what I'm doing my life, whether I'm going to take a gap year, or go to what's still a top ten uni in the country, yet still feels crappy in my eyes because it's not where I wanted to go. And the annoying thing is, I know I'm good enough to get in, I just panicked on one stupid interview and they didn't decide to look at my results which indicate 100% grade achieved in every single public exam I've taken for Latin, which shows that I CAN actually do their subject, and they also decided to ignore the other interview, which went beautifully. Evil eyes for Diggle.

Then my mum's really annoying me lately by changing her freaking mind every two seconds, and constantly doing that thing where she tells you to do something which you don't want to, then you agree to, then she changes her mind and says DON'T do it. Like, wtf? Stop being such an ass. And then she just asked if I could edit her chapter of her book for her to make it sound better and funnier, and I was honest and told her I wasn't comfortable with it. It's going to be hard enough to read - it about her experiences over the death of my dad, for heaven's sake. Also, I find her writing style odd, and I don't like it, and I would just change it all completely which I'm sure neither of us want. It just, makes me awkward. Then she told me well, she'd paid a lot of money for my education over the years, and it was nice I was so willing to pay her pack just in the slightest (all encased in heavy sarcasm, of course). It really upset me, because, like, I'm not trying to be unhelpful, I would just find that a really, really uncomfortable, distressing and laborious thing to do - this is HER book mind you, it has nothing to do with me, she didn't ask my opinion on it - and I find it really unfair to react so nastily about it. It's making me want to cry just thinking about it again. I feel like everyone hates me at the moment. I feel like I spend my days constantly being nagged by EVERYONE about EVERYTHING, and despite all that, I don't seem to be good enough for anyone.

Speaking of my dad, yesterday marked four years since he left us. I'm glad to say it's been the easiest day this year, and actually turned out to be quite a nice day - Bailey came over for a while in the afternoon and we watched a couple of Disney films, which was nice, then me, my mum and my sister had teppanyaki, which is this japanese style of cooking where you cook your own food on this hot plate in the middle, which was really fun, and super tasty. It was cool watching all this stuff cook in front of you, and the meat and fish was soooo tender. Also we all got on really well during the meal, and we laughed a lot, which was nice.

Aaaaand to finish off on what sounds like a trivial point but really isn't: my right ear is fucked up :( I can't hear out of it, I think it's blocked or something, but all the remedies I've tried haven't helped, including sitting for 30 minutes with olive oil in your ear, which feels DISGUSTING. But god, I can't deal with it being like this much longer. I've got an appointment for the doctor's tomorrow, I'm really hoping they'll be able to fix it because I can't stay like this forever, it feels horrible! It's also making the whole right side of my head and neck ache now, which, you know, isn't that fun.


Sorrry for ranting a lot, but then, that's what I like about LJ: I have hardly any friends on this thing, so the odds are no one will have to go through the horrible task of reading it, LOL.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
31 August 2009 @ 08:04 pm
 I am such a fucking waste of space.
22 August 2009 @ 09:50 pm
 So, guess who got 5 As in their AS Levels?

... Oh yeah, that would be me. :D

I am SO relieved that I got good results! It means I don't have to say goodbye to my dream of going to Cambridge, and I can stop worrying for maybe a month or so. Not that anyone really cares, but here's the breakdown of the modules:

results and surreyCollapse )

Current Mood: chipperchipper